INTRODUCTION

Congratulations! You’re having a baby! What wonderful news! In no time at all your home will be brightened with a brand new bundle of joy; soon your life will be filled with so much more love!

NEWSFLASH SUCKERS: babies are useless, not only useless but stupid and helpless too. Oh you don’t believe us, try leaving your baby out in the snow overnight, we bet it dies. Leave your baby home alone while you take that vacation to Darfur that you have been dreaming about, your baby will starve to death. How stupid do you have to be that you can’t even make a peanut butter sandwich to save yourself from starving? When you got the news you were thinking, “oh great, finally we will have another person to help out with all the household chores!” Fat chance babies are terrible at housework; let your baby do the windows sometime, we guarantee it does a half-assed job; there will be streaks and everything.

As a new parent it is your responsibility to whip your baby into shape. Don’t let your baby just sit there collecting dust, mold it, shape it. Say “hey baby get off your ass and go get daddy some smokes.” Let your baby just do whatever it wants and it will just sit around all day smoking pot and watching Divorce Court. Let that go on to long an the next thing you know your baby is 35, living in your garage, eating all your Hot Pockets and selling drugs to your neighbors daughter.

So how do you keep your baby from being eight pounds of useless disappointment? How do you make sure your baby isn’t just one more unmotivated poop machine at the daycare center? It’s not going to be easy. Making the most of your baby takes hard work, it takes strength and discipline, and it takes what some might call abuse. Forget the naysayers, what do they know? You’ll have the last laugh when your baby gives their baby a bloody nose at Gymboree. So roll up your sleeves and prepare to squeeze every last mushy drop of potential out of your otherwise stupid baby.

- Brian and Nick (Parenting Experts)